What to do when you feel under appreciated:

What to do when you feel under appreciated:
1. First and foremost, only give without the expectation of receiving it back. Smart People who lend friends money know they should not expect it back.
2 Give to the limit where you won’t feel resentful for giving. It’s the same principle when you go gambling, bring what you can afford to lose and look at the cost as part of the experience.
3 Assert yourself – ask for a thank you. “You know Lisa I really like helping you. It makes me feel closer to you when I’m able to assist my sister. But I have driven out to you 4 times in the last 2 months and I don’t think you said thank you once. I know you care about me but I need to hear it once in awhile. I have my struggles too and when I put agenda aside to help you it would be nice to know it means something to you. A simple text or email would suffice”
4 Ask for Simple small favors in an assertive manner if they don’t get it at first. “Lisa I know things are hectic for you. But I don’t ask for much and this thing I’m asking you to do might seem trite to you but if it was then I probably would not ask. I’m asking because its important to me. You don’t have to get it but I wish you could help me out any way with this. “
5 Reassess the boundaries and definition of what you expect in the relationship. As I stated in the beginning of this blog post not every relationship comes with the rule “I must do everything this person asks because they are….”
6. Appreciate your self by making a gratitude list..I am grateful I am can be in a position to help. I like being a helpful sibling. I am proud of myself for making smart decisions in this way….
7. Restructure how you process the request for help. I often teach my clients to tease apart their observations and how they process/assess that information that feeds their reactions.Observation–>Assessment Style–>Reaction. “Hey can you read this ? “
Michelle’s automatic style of thinking was to observe Lisa’s emails as “she NEEDS me” rather than “Lisa is asking for help”. The second assessment strategy allows her to feel in control because she can process it as “I have a choice in whether I assist or not”. The first point of view (“she needs me”) lead her to process it under “I feel forced and obligated. I am a bad sister if I don’t give her what she needs”.
Old View: O she needs me. A. I m bad if I leave her without her needs R I feel obligated and frustrated
New O she is asking me. A I have a choice in how much I give R I feel in control. I’ll give to the point where it won’t deplete me

Jayme Albin, PhD

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